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Facing a Childhood Insecurity Que Banh
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“Look
at the dumb gimp chink, she can't even walk up the stairs
right. She shouldn't be allowed to be here with us normal
kids.” Two sentences uttered behind my back were all it took
for my walls of defense to go up. I didn't even know his
name but his words I will always remember. When I reached my
adult years, I realized just how much I had let those little words
mentally cripple me. It had fed upon the insecurity I
already had from being disabled and feeling different. My
childhood logic told me that the best defense was to try to appear as
normal as possible. From the day that those abusive words
were spoken, I tried to avoid situations where I would be seen climbing
stairs. The avoidance defense worked for me as a kid but it
no longer served me in adulthood. I no longer wanted to be
crippled by childhood demons. I decided the only way for me
to get this fear of being seen out of my system was to get into
counseling to face it head on. Scary as counseling and
revisiting old memories would be, it was more frightening to me to keep
living in my insecure shell.
Since arriving in Canada, I was
in and out of the hospital and school systems. I felt safe
in the hospital environment because there were a lot of other children
who were sick like I was, and the condition of some was even
worse. No one made fun of the way I looked or moved because
we all had a mutual bond. When I left the hospital and
entered public school for the first time, I first began to feel
different. It seemed to me that I could not relate to any of
my peers and I noticed for the first time that I looked very different
from everyone else. The boy who uttered those sentences to
me reinforced my negative thinking.
It was after lunch and both
grade 1 and 2 classes were to go upstairs to the library for reading
time. My teacher let me go first, since it took me longer
than it did the other children to climb up the four flights to the
library. I was halfway up the second flight when I heard
snickering behind me. I turned my head briefly and noticed
two boys pointing at me. They acted like I wasn't even
there. Then I heard the poisonous words leave the boy's
mouth, followed by a “Yeah I know,” and then laughter. It is
so vivid in my mind I can sometimes feel the blood boiling in me when I
recall the memory. Whoever said “Sticks and stones may break
my bones but words will never hurt me” is ignorant of the power of
words.
Hurtful words were quite
foreign to me until I entered school and I learned quite quickly that I
needed to protect myself to survive there. Being physically
disabled knocked out my chances for protecting myself in other ways
than mentally. So I did the only thing I thought I could do
at that time, I set up my own mind defenses. All through my
years at school, I avoided stairs and any situations where I would have
to walk in front of people. I avoided climbing stairs in
high school until I was sure that the stairways would be all
clear. That did not work to my advantage, as by the time the
stairs cleared I would be late for class and would have to walk in
front of people. I often wondered if anyone in my life knew
that was this was the main reason that I tried to avoid
school. I’m inclined to think that no one did because I used
any other reason as an explanation but the true one, out of deep-rooted
fear and insecurity.
Years of stress had taken its
toll and I knew my body was telling me there was something I needed to
face. I took my first baby step, called my social worker,
and asked for a counseling referral to help me work through my issues.
After I had made contact with
my referral I had to take the next baby step and go to my first
session. I was extremely nervous and frightened about
revealing my fears to a stranger.
 What
kept me on track was reminding myself that I could no longer be ruled by
fear and be happy, and that my childhood defenses no longer worked in
my world today. I have now faced my old demons with the help
of a caring counselor. Although the healing journey has not
been fully completed, I am very happy that I am now at least looking
out of my once fully insecure shell and I know that my path is right |
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Date Submitted:
1/2/04 |
Copyright Information:
Copyright © Que Banh, 2002 |
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